the new objective
concoction for theatrical, theoretical genius; a note to myself.
practitioners artaud brecht and berkoff.
sociopathic and psychopathic performance in an open aired display of protest.
breaking 4 walls. no emotional connection to any performer but deep unyielding attachment to the concept at hand.
i must remember this.
acid trip love
the last time i tripped, i wrote about addiction and rooftops
the last time i tripped, i wrote about the difference in falling and jumping
the last time i tripped, i saw everything i didn’t want to see
the last time i tripped, i accepted
acid trip love, kind of, sort of, thereof
i can’t stop questioning now.
could my acid trip love somehow,
What I will probably never understand..
I have a very particular way of thinking, the right way of thinking. If I am right, I see something through until the end and make sure whatever it is, it is done to the highest standard and swiftly, if I’m wrong, I quickly rectify the mistakes, apologise and then continue to do whatever it is to perfection. That being if I want to do it, if I don’t, there is no way I am doing it or putting any effort in at all, find someone else. Unless of course it’s vital for someone else’s happiness and ease then I’ll do it because I like helping people and thrive off their happiness when mine is so vacant. What I don’t understand is that everyone that I come across, and I mean absolutely every single person, is fucking stupid. They are either ignorant, ostentatious or down right thick as a fucking brick. Why do I need to tell someone something 15 plus times before they can do it properly, why do I need to explain to people how you should address certain situations whilst contemplating what’s socially and politically acceptable. Why do your brains work that way, it is WRONG.
I can’t even explain to the extent of what I’m talking about or even make this more specific because it applies to everything within our lives and to everyone and it’s infuriating. The worse thing is, I feel like it’s probably my ‘illness’ that makes me this way, that makes me see in this light, I know it’s to blame for my acute attention to detail helping me surpass intellectually and creatively and there are downfalls to this but I can’t understand, I can’t make it work in my mind how all your minds seem to work and it’s so infuriating. That is why I snap, that is why I am ferociously vicious, that is why I am patronising, that is why I seem cold and I can’t stop it no matter how much I try and I don’t want to sedate it and with that sedate all the good aspects of myself, the creativity and the intuitiveness and inspiring spirals of repressed chaos. None of this makes sense, I pretty much fear re-reading it but for fuck sake can someone, anyone just not be such a fucking idiot.
sexual intercourse: message to a lover
perplexing, sexting, nude flexing, why you vexing?
hilarity, some clarity, you’re verging on barbarity
playful, faithful, fuck me on that table
weakness, speechless you’re crumbling to pieces
piece by piece explore these sheets.
wet t-shirts, and butt hurts.
moral high ground, who’s shy now?
can’t look me in the eyes as you walk by now?
delicate dignity deciphering unwillingly, comfortably contagiously
caged in preconception, prejudice silly. me?
no way. bar set astray there’s some compla-cent thoughts arising irrevocably.
you’re scared of me.
So perhaps I have been wrong about everything thus far in my life and my perception is warped beyond comparison to any normal level of human functioning; I am sick, twisted and manipulative to the nth degree.
That is the only possible conclusion I can draw as Karma has beaten me beyond the mere sensation of pain. I now suffer what can only be described as a never ending numbness of burning hatred, on behalf of the world, engulfing me in the fires of Saint Lucifer himself’s abode. There is no possibility that the events of this week were mere coincidence; no singular person could possibly have the misfortune of a thousand black cats to conjure up a storm as wicked as: 10 broken mirrors reflecting the cracks in a pavement I so happen to be standing on whilst holding an open umbrella in one hand within a confined room, an upside down horse shoe in the other as a singular crow barks at me from under a ladder. That is literally how bad my week has been and no I am not using the word in such context as a 13 year old teenage girl would whilst telling her beloved slightly fatter and slightly less prettier classmate how that boy they both fancy literally told her that he fancies her and then when the fatter less prettier girl is overjoyed and bounces (not just from the declared overweight issue, but more so her elated mood) towards said teenage boy and also declares her undying irrevocable love for him, he shuns her with the force of a thousand bitch slaps and claims he said nothing of the sort would. I’m using the word as literature so intended it to mean and I hope you feel the disdain in the words I type as I regrettably admit that. I do however not admit that the anecdote has any foundation in real life and should be classified as fiction; please see the irony in my choice of words there.
If bad things come in three’s then please let me have had my thrice just reward for obviously having been such a bitch. So help me God I will remain bitter over the past couple of days for as long as I remember. I am however praying it shall not be long as fingers crossed the overwhelming build up of substance abuse has hopefully affected me enough so as to cause some sort of permanent damage; specifically in regards to my pre-frontal cortex or temporal lobe or even possibly my hippocampus although I’m unsure as to whether memory may even be stored there, my science is rusty, or quite possibly the amphetamine erosion is doing it’s job.
I can’t even bring myself to ramble anymore, the police officer has left after my series of unfortunate events has been documented as accurately as possible. I still find it absurd that they write your statements for you and change it to better suit their competency level, I am still livid he changed imperative to important, what if a Judge finds my statement inadequate as I appear as an utter moron all for the sake of 1 less letter and the embarrassment of Mr Officer to ask me how to spell that long word I just said.
Fuck this week, fuck this week so fucking much.